"Blues"

This week has been a weird roller coaster of emotional responses to outside and inside stimuli. I decided I needed to start focusing more on my internal world rather than putting so much emphasis on my external achievements. It dawned on me the other day that EVERYTHING is going well, my job, school, all my legal problems are coming to an end, I have a positive social life that is not infringing on my obligations, yet I have felt empty and as if something was missing. This is because I have put too much into creating everything so perfectly that I have forgot to deal with emotions that aren't due to outside stimuli. Some emotions just are, they just exist because of the time of year it is, the whether, and random factors that not only can’t be accounted for but many times are never realized even in hindsight. So this week I have gone from feeling on top of the world and as if everything is perfect to feeling lost and confused about making the most absurd of decisions. I am not trusting my instincts and I need to learn to really on them more. Tuesday was a work and probation day, then I came home and didn’t do much, Wednesday was my day off so I just sort of relaxed and then went to Seafield, and today was a training meeting and Communications class. That being my small recap of the past few days I can’t recall anything else sticking out of any importance. I am falling into an unhealthy diet the past few days, but then that makes me question what the definition of an unhealthy diet is? Am I being too hard on myself? I keep on asking questions to the Great Spirit using three quarters and getting no answer or having to ask many times before getting one. I had such a great connection going for a while and now it seems to be fading, that is also aggravating me, but I think alot of it has to do with my uncertain nature about how I am dealing with things. I have to get back on track, physically I have been doing everything I ask of myself but mentally I am not keeping in a state of mind that I would like to be in. I understand that this time of year this seems to be my time to be uncertain and doubtful, but I don’t understand what I am uncertain about. Last year it was Jasmine, the year before it was staying at Purchase, I always seem to have something in my life at this point in the year causing me a problem, but this year everything is going so smooth that I think I am creating something that doesn’t exist. Just realizing it is only the first step I really need to find the root and destroy this before it gets any worse. I am going to go eat some pizza now, hopefully next time I report things will have gotten a little better.